Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
