Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
