I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just had sex on a roof
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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