We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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