I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
