last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
