My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
