The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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