I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
