your room smells of hookers.
And success
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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