A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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