Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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