I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Randomize
