Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
