you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
