Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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