Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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