There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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