he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
