We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
