just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
