Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Pants are for mortals
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i am craving dick and cupcakes
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
