im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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