I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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