i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
