College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
