Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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