I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
