we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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