she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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