i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
