I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize