i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
