Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
