Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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