I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
