Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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