Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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