i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
