Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize