I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
