it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
