I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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