it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
