But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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