my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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