No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
