my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
