does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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