Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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