i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
