Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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