I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
