Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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