I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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