no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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