As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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