i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
