you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
