FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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