Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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