I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
