Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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