I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
