is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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