Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
