Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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